Thiringer Happenings

Test Results

2009-08-09T21:42:00.001-07:00

I got the results back on all my tests, and everything was NORMAL! No surgery. They will do more tests in 6 months, and another MRI in a year to make sure nothing is changing. So... it might just be my meds that I am on that are causing all my health problems; the doctors can't find anything else wrong with me. I am going to see my shrink in the morning and I am going off of my meds. I keep gaining weight on them anyway. Hopefully I won't crash and burn.

School is starting in 3 weeks, and I haven't finished my summer course yet. I will get it done by then, but if I don't get on it, I might not really get much of a break. Dave has turned in all of the application materials for Eastern Washington University, and is waiting to hear back on whether he is admitted. I really hope he is, because it would be good to see him doing something he enjoys again. He bought a new calculator for the occasion. For those of you who do not know, he now has 5.

They are having a 10 dollar neutering clinic in Post Falls next weekend, and guess who has an appointment! Zenith has been driving us crazy playing in the rugs, trash, and scratching up the chair cushions in the kitchen. Hopefully he will calm down some after next Sunday. Oh, did I forget to mention, we found a little package of family jewels, and it looks like our kitty isn't a girl after all.

I went to the optometrist again, (I may not have mentioned that my vision seems to be going) and I get the joy of bifocals. Dr. Wylie wanted to give me reading glasses, but with the amount of reading I do, I would be switching glasses all the time. I thought bifocals might be a better option, even if I do look like an old woman. I got really great frames though. Thankfully my vision seems to have balanced out a bit, and it doesn't seem to be getting too much worse, at least not as quickly as it had been a few months ago.

I had better head to bed if I don't want to be groggy and miss my bus in the morning.

Waiting

2009-07-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

I am still waiting for the endocrinologist to fax in the order for my last test to the Holy Family Hospital. Once I have that done, results to all my tests should follow and then I will know whether I have to have surgery. But for now, more waiting.

My mother-in-law took my sewing machine to the shop and got it fixed for me, so sewing projects here I come! I have lots of things in mind to make, among them, new pillows for our couch. I have looked everywhere for a good cotton blend knit in black, and when I found it at Joann's, not only was it a horrendous 4 dollars a yard on sale, but they only had a little over 1 yard! So I was looking online for it, and I found it for $1.65 per yard, which is a great price, but the shipping for 5 yards was several dollars more than the price of the fabric. It would come to about 20 dollars total, so I might as well buy it at Joann's. I am a little annoyed, because it seems like such a basic fabric that everyplace should carry it, but Walmart discontinued it. I know, a silly thing to get frustrated over, but I can't sew if I don't have any fabric!

Health Update

2009-07-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, about a month ago I was diagnosed with a pituitary adenoma, a very small brain tumor. I had an MRI on the 24 of May, and I was told I would receive a call with the results in 24 to 48 hours. Two weeks later... The phone conversation with my doctor went something like this:

Doctor: Hello, Melissa?
Me: Yes?
Doctor: We got the results of your MRI, and you have a small pituitary adenoma. I am calling the neurosurgeon for a consult.
Me: Okay, is it cancerous?
Doctor: Most likely not.
Me: Well, thank you for letting me know.
Doctor: You're welcome, have a nice day.
CLICK

So, needless to say, I was a little frustrated when I got no information on what was going on, what the treatment would be, or even really what a pituitary adenoma was. It gets better, because my doctor didn't call me or give me any other information for another two weeks after that! I finally started calling her office asking what was going on, because you don't tell someone that they have a brain tumor and then ignore them after that. The nurses were vague, and ended giving me incorrect information.

Finally, the week before last I called the doctor's office, and they told me they had referred me to an endocrinologist. I got a call from the endocrinologist last week, saying that they couldn't get me in until September 4th, and the neurosurgeon wouldn't see me until after that. I had wanted to get this taken care of over the summer, so I wouldn't have to take time off during the school year for surgery or whatever. I got a call last Tuesday from the endocrinologist saying that they had a cancelation and I could come in on Wednesday. Totally God! So, that doctor ordered a bunch of tests, and I have yet to take one of them. When they get the results of all those tests, they will call me and let me know whether I have to have surgery. If I do, they will refer me to a neurosurgeon and he will take it from there.

There is a possibility that all my tests will come back normal, and they will just leave the tumor alone and check it again in a year. But with the way I am feeling, I highly doubt that will happen. I have been having major vision problems, which the endocrinologist said couldn't be caused by the tumor. I am also sick all the time, weak and having major migraines and nausea. I spend a lot of time on my couch with Zenith.

So, if you read this, I would appreciate all the prayers you can muster. I would like to feel better!

The last 6 months in a nutshell...

2009-07-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

The last 6 months have been pretty busy around here. I started school at GU, and finished my first term. I got A's! I was pretty happy about that, because at one point I didn't think I was doing all that well. Dave has been on the job search, but with no luck. No one is hiring. I spent a week in the hospital at the end of February/beginning of March. I don't really know what happened, I think it was a fluke. I hadn't been in the hospital for three years. Oh, well. I am feeling much better in that realm now.

Dave has decided, in light of the economic status of our nation, to go back to Eastern Washington University to get his master's degree in Computer Science. We are surveying the application process now, and hopefully he will start in the fall. He really thought about doing this for a long time before he decided, so I think this is really what he wants to do.

I got a kitten named Zenith. She is all black (I know, figures), and a lot of fun. We were told when we got her that she was litter box trained, but it turned out that she wasn't. After a few accidents, she figured out what the litter box was used for, and it was like a lightbulb was turned on. She hasn't gone anywhere but her box since then. She has grown so much in the last month since we got her! She loves to play with yarn and chase her tail, and she naps with me every afternoon. When we first got her, she was really scared, and would climb up inside the frame of our couch and hide. This was a major problem because we have one of those couches with the recliners on each end, and we didn't want her to get hurt. We had to put fabric on the underside of the couch to keep her out.

Here is Zenith when we first got her.

And I will have to get a better picture of her now, because she is sleeping on a black bag, and you can barely see her!

Trying again...

2008-12-19T16:13:00.000-08:00

I am terrible about blogging, but I have been journaling pretty consistently every couple days. I want to try to keep this site up, so my friends in Albany can keep in touch. So here is what's going on in my life.

I was accepted in Gonzaga's philosophy program, and will be starting January 12. I am really looking forward to it. Dave is still looking for work, but he is getting a lot of interviews, so that is good. We only need one to turn into a job!

It is snowing here. We have about 3 feet, and the plows haven't come by our road yet, so we have been snowed in for a couple days. Thankfully we had pleanty of food and other necessities. The plow is scheduled to come by tomorrow, so maybe we will get out then. I am kind of going stir crazy.

I am doing pretty well keeping up on my exercises. For those of you who don't know, I have a friend who is a personal trainer, and she is helping me do some things to l0se weight. I use my elliptical machine for 30 to 40 minutes a day, and have various other exercises to do. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I do feel better both physically and mentally.

I am starting to get in the hang of the mental health system out here. Fortunately, I found out that there are private practices that take my health insurance, so I am seeing a counselor outside the Spokane County mental health. I still have to go there for my meds, but it is nice to have some flexibility.

My little sister gave me some exciting news when I went home for Thanksgiving. She was pregnant. I say was because she had a miscarriage. I haven't talked to her about it yet, because I don't want to make things harder for her. You know when you talk to someone you are really close to, sometimes the tears start to flow that you have managed to keep in for a while. I am very sad for her. I wish it hadn't happened. But I don't really know how to help. Wishing doesn't do any good. I should probably call her.

Well, that is what is going on in my neck of the woods. I will still post poetry (provided I come up with something half decent), but I plan to use this site to keep up with friends too. So maybe I will come up with a new theme. Maybe. :)

20 something in the land of misconception

2008-03-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I relish my dreams.
High tide, kicked-back,
watching the merchant ships come in
Water rolling off the back of a spellbound book.
And I take a gasp of the salty-sea-air,
And prioritize my list of dreams,
Incandescent light bulbs of furious desire.
A hatchback broken in from
a long trip to New Mexico
bleeds its way along the highway.
Smoke crawls up my arm
and stains my skin
with the candy-baked scent of cloves.
And I have no regrets.

Hello World!

2008-03-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

So, it's been over a year, and my blog is still here. I would think they delete these things after a while. Apparently not. So for anyone who is still interested, I may be posting some new things here soon. I have been writing more than ever, and I am working on my book. So expect to see some changes! Maybe I will even try a new layout.

-Trancegirl

Abandoned

2007-02-06T16:18:00.000-08:00

I know, I haven't written anything in a really really long time. I am writing, just not much new coming out of it. Mostly editing old stuff. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. This last poem came from reflecting on the one person who didn't abandon me even when I abandoned myself. Thanks Mel.

Melissa

2007-02-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

You burned into my reality
like a wayward star.
Your letters shone like beacons,
guiding the ships of my mind to shore.
And like a kitten
you were unaware
that your constant purring
settled my soul.
Your books, drawings, poems
reminded me that my sickness
was a sting to society.
The looks I would get,
the knowing glance,
Infamy would invade privacy,
And I would never be allowed
to forget my sins.

Salacious stultification

2006-09-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

I just found out that I don't have to take the GRE to get into the graduate program at OSU. After simply hours of memorizing root word lists and vocabulary, learning methods for solving classification problems, I find out that my hard work is worth nothing more than knowing what BACCHANALIAN, EXCORIATE, VITUPERATE, and ENCOMIUM mean. I am a little frustrated, but it was my own assumptions that got me here. I am relieved not to have to take it, but annoyed all the same. Well, this means I can focus more on my writing sample and objectives.

eugene saturday market

2006-09-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

She's a look-at-me junkie,
a poisonous gypsy.
Her hair a flair of purple and blue,

she twists her perfect waist with an eye-catching spin.
Her belly button wields a sapphire sword,
And we all fall into her spell.

We are frazzled mothers and
she tantalizes us with her chocolate body.

Hands on hips, fingers splayed,
a vivacious burning glance
is the last crumb tossed
to the pack of hungry dogs
left in her wake.

Afternoon in a Daze

2006-09-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

The sun hugs the plant pots on the patio
oblivious to the rain within the building.
Distress yanks at my heartstrings
for the ruby-haired girl who wants a permanent necklace.

Mismatched, abused furniture graces the day room,
and a collection of National Geographics
lean sickly against one another on the bookcase.

Pasty women with glucose voices
"encourage" me to do something,
But I insist on conducting my seranades of sad music
for the placation of my soul.

My bulky shift nurse reminds me that the doctor is waiting,
and my self-soothing is put on hold,
not to be picked up again.

Dropped

2006-08-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

There is no subtlety left
only an illusion of health
The much-needed drag of a knife,
fear, shame, regret and at last, relief.

Senses fail along with my good intentions
and I go on a cutting spree.
If it hurt, I might stop,
but senses failed.

By the time I realize what I'm doing,
all that's left of the back of my hand
are mangled strands of division
blood spreading from the center like pick-up sticks.

Past, Present, and Future: One Night

2006-07-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

I

He found me shrieking, huddled at the bottom of the bathtub,
A cold spray rinsing the sweat off my back.
He knew what it was.
So he kissed me, and placed a band-aid on my forehead.
He emptied the medicine cabinet before leaving me to dress.

II

I look down at my heat-fattened fingers with disgust.
Sysk has a fish-hook in the back of my hand,
and the skin can't help but rip.
I see my button-hole scars, neatly stitched -
And pretend to smile as he comes up the stairs.

III

I am reading about Sylvia, and I think about the many times
She ignored reality to sustain her artificial happiness.
I know I will do the same.
My desperation will require medication,
And a trip to a safe place with locks on the doors, and no shoelaces.

The Bath

2006-07-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

I don't look very glamorous right now
My legs are straight and spread,
resting on the edge of the tub.
My breasts are sand dunes, emerging from the water,
and my navel is a small, jeweled oasis of clorine coolness,
ensconced in a vast expanse of un-tanned skin.

I use my foot to turn the faucet, enough for a few satisfying "plink"s.
It's almost time.
I find the drain and use my heel to move the stopper.
A sudden noise like a baby crying
and my distraught emotions begin to disappear with the water,
Leaving me an empty husk of womanhood.

My limbs grow heavier as my support wanes away.
I hide my toes in the tepid water for as long as I can.

Daddy says...

2006-06-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

"It's never as dark as it seems to be. Keep looking around, you'll find that light."

Poisoned Apple of a Different Kind

2006-05-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

How do I know that one more bite won't make me want to eat the whole apple? How do I satisfy this craving without getting hooked again? I know the result of eating the forbidden fruit is eternal damnation. But it looks so good. So ripe and red and satiating. I try to eat other things, but all I can imagine is tearing the unblemished skin to reveal the vulnerable white flesh underneath. I can feel its perfect juices searing down my throat, and I haven't yet taken a bite. I would do it if God didn't know. Is a choice really a choice when I was doomed from the start? My salvation lies in the fact that God never really gave me a chance. Oh, that apple...

And now there will come a separation.

Life is boring, but I refuse to be!

2006-04-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

Dave's graduation is next Saturday. I am really excited because he has worked so hard to get there. His family is coming out, and it will be nice to see them. Mariah got a new car (she hated her old one). Let's see... WOU is having a poetry reading next month, and I think I might submit something. I don't know what yet. Dave and I got all moved over to Albany, and I love our new apartment. I am actually cooking sometimes, and cleaning, and doing other wifey-type things. Gross, huh? I know, I swore I would never be that way, but I guess the house needs to be kept up anyway, and we have to eat. At least I'm not baking pies for the neighbors or darning socks. Not that those are bad things to do... Hmm... anyway, blah, blah, blah. I will never be a boring housewife!

comments enabled

2006-04-11T18:11:00.000-07:00

I finally got the comments up and running.

Things are real exciting out here in Monmouth. That's why we're moving. :) We found a really nice apartment in Albany that we are going to move in to in a few weeks. It has vaulted ceilings in the living room and a fireplace. One that uses real wood, not one of those that you flip the switch and it turns on. The kitchen is a lot bigger, and there are more windows so it is a lot lighter than the apartment we are in right now. When we move, we will be looking into a real internet connection, so I will probably be able to write on my blog more. I have only 20 credits left to graduate, so I am taking it slow but I should be done at the end of fall term. Right now I am taking International Relations and Metaphysics. They are both pretty interesting.

For reasons I can't disclose right now, I have stopped taking my antipsychotics. I am still on the Prozac, but I am completely off the Seroquel and the anti-anxiety pills I was taking. It is working out really well. I haven't had any "friends" around at all. :) I came down with a case of pneumonia a couple weeks ago, so that has been a lot of fun. I got on some antibiotics though and I am starting to feel better. Dave is still looking for a job, but has a few leads so maybe one of those will pan out.

Well, I need to go read about the conflict in Sudan and re-read some Aristotle for the sake of comprehension. I will try to be better about posting. :)

still working on it...

2006-01-17T22:52:00.000-08:00

i am working on getting comments up on my blog... if that doesn't happen soon i will at least put up a tagboard. once again, i am caught without my book, so i will post more poetry as it comes. no internet at home, so i have to do this from on campus. going through a phase of refusing to capitalize my letters. not lazy, deliberate in fact.

peace.

A new look for Trancegirl

2006-01-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

In addition to actually paying a little bit of attention to my blog and changing some things around on that, I got a haircut. It is pretty short, but I like it. I also dyed the part of my hair that was growing out blond a bright red. And I got my dimples pierced. Let me say that again, D-I-M-P-L-E-S. Not nipples. Definitely not nipples. Exciting news: Dave has officially finished school, and should be getting his diploma any time now. I am really proud of him. I start classes up again on Monday, but this is my last year, and after I graduate we will definitely be moving. Don't know where yet, but curse me if I stay in Monmouth a day longer than I have to. Okay, I have been writing, but I don't have much of it with me now, so I will post again later. Peace.

I am here. Well, mostly.

2005-12-09T23:50:00.000-08:00

Not dead. Sorry, I really kind of forgot...
Here's what's new, among other things. Melissa!!! Please don't take me off your link list!!! I will be better, I promise!!

Feeding
You live in a utopia of idealistic thought
Where a pill-a-day and a shrink's sage nod
Will fix anything in a month or two.
You write down every word I say,
And analyze it like a literary critic.
But no matter how far you dig, you can't find the reason
I count goblins instead of sheep.
I burn my bridges and build my walls.
I keep my Prozac and my Valium in the same desk drawer.
You laugh and I glare,
Mostly because it pisses you off.
I don't know what I want from you,
but you don't seem to have it.

My Not Grandfather
I have nearly nothing of you.
Just two photos with tiny notes
scrawled on the back
by a woman I hope you loved.
Precious few things I treasure so much.
A few poems, my baby blanket,
and the family I have left.
And to them I hold on tight,
hoping they can pass on to me
a bit of your soul
kept alive only by the fact that
I am your granddaughter.
I wish I knew you.

Jumping on the "Uniqueness" Bandwagon

2005-07-10T01:15:00.000-07:00

a woman in her sixties wearing a lime green hat
REAL
a fourteen-year-old with a bow in her hair
REAL
a woman in her thirties with a baby and short hair
REAL
an eight-year-old reading a 10th grade level book
REAL

the people running in and out of the "trendy" thrift store across the street--
slaking their thirst for individuality on the back of this fall's fashions--
buying into society's preference for the "chic," "unique," and anything that will sell--
begging for the attention they really do deserve, and only finding it when they show enough skin--
they think they're something special, and they're right--
but not because they have perfect hair and pink mary-janes--
they have value for who they are, not what they wear or don't--
and if they could only stop spending their grocery money on the latest pair of Diesels, they might find out who they really are.

i might find out who i really am.

Marital Bliss?

2005-07-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I got married on Saturday, and I can definitely say that it has its ups and downs. On the up-side, waking up with a nightmare and having someone there to hold you is awesome. It is nice to be out of my parent's house permanently, and guilt-free sex is okay with me. On the down-side, there are arguments, and differences of opinion, and having to wash your sheets every day. As a whole, I am still trying to decide if I have made the best or worst decision of my life. One minute, I love it, and Dave is sweet, and I think that I am going to love spending the rest of my life with him. The next minute I am thinking that this is forever, and I am losing my individuality and purpose in life. It is more often the former than the latter, but the doubts do creep in quite frequently. My only advice would be this: MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, AND THAT THIS IS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE BEFORE YOU MAKE THAT KIND OF DECISION!!!!!!!!

It's mostly good, and I am sure I will get used to it, but I am not the kind of person to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen until menopause. I am too ambitious and even really selfish to live like that. So I think that things will work out great as long as I remain determined to be me, Milly, not Dave's wife or Mrs. Thiringer. I love Dave, and he is the most important person in my life, but my identity and value as a person do not depend on my marital status.

I am alive!!!!!

2005-06-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am sure that everyone thought I was dead, since I haven't posted since February. But I'm not, I am actually doing pretty well. Wedding stuff is gettin hectic when combined with the last few weeks of term. I have to take an incomplete in one of my classes. Anyway, I recently read Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, and watched the movie The Hours. They inspired me to write this... one of my longer poems.

Poem for Virginia

Biting my nails to keep my hands from shaking
my fragile mental state is compromised
by parties and crowds
velvet and broken locks.
Holding my hope in one solitary day
Reading my life in your books
Falling in a pile of leaves,
only to find they were rocks.
We can't know.
We can never know.
How could you expect me to know?
Don't drop your voice when
you reprimand me in public.
Show them.
Let them see.

Life can be beautiful.
More beautiful without me.
Draw the drapes, close the blinds,
take my hand (though I don't need it)
and lead me to the place where
I can write with my voice,
listen with my eyes,
paint with my words,
and fall away...

"hide" my life in a bell jar-
safe, but exposed,
is it really that safe?
sing me a song, tell me a tale,
and don't forget to make the hero die.

Who am I?

2005-02-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

It is apparent by looking at certain people's blogs, that I am now to be defined by the fact that I am succumbing to the Oh-So-Popular ordinance of marriage. As much as this is true, I do resent it. I will not be defined by my marital status any more than I will be defined by my income bracket. I may be getting married, but I am NOT nor will I EVER be simply Mrs. David Thiringer, I will ALWAYS be Milly, myself, and never a position but a person. I am tempted to refrain from getting married, just so I can get rid of the stigma that comes with being in a relationship. As appealing as this might be, I don't have the heart to do that to Dave, when I know that I really do love him and want to marry him. If you think that there is nothing to lose when you get married, you are wrong. You gain, and you lose. There are some things that I will not give up, that I will not permit marriage to stifle. I will write. I will be an individual. I will not lose my identity in my husband-to-be. A huge part of me wants to back out. Wants to reconsider. Wants to spend the rest of my life being self-absorbed, scared and sad. Wants to deny any claim Dave may have to my heart (or that I have given him), and hold out as long as I need to in order to keep myself in that happy state of having few responsibilities and lots of free time. The truth is, I am scared. I am afraid out of my mind that when I get married I WILL lose my individuality. That Dave will demand all of my time and concentration. That I will somehow become something less than what I have the potential to become. I want to do what I want to do, and I don't want to have to answer to anyone for it. Sadly, life just doesn't work that way.

Waiting for Godot?

2005-02-21T21:54:00.000-08:00

Sickening words dawdle across the paper,
Taunting me with their leisure.
Their lack of urgency keeps me
from tearing my clothes,
and ripping out my hair.
But it cannot stop, it
even encourages the urge to claw
frantically at my skin,
drying my blood with my tears
And waiting.
Waiting for that catharsis, that relief,
that purging of my guilt
that will probably never come.

Go figure.

2005-01-15T22:21:00.000-08:00

Dave and I drove all the way to Vancouver last night only to find out that we are not elligible to receive our vacation prize. I guess we are on our own for the honeymoon. Oh, well. It was just annoying that we drove all the way up there, when they could have told us over the phone that we couldn't have it. So, we made the best of the trip by stopping by a very large Borders before having dinner. Thankfully, we made it back before all the ice hit. Later.

a definitive lack of posts

2005-01-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

Well, sorry I haven't posted in forever. I haven't really been having much luck with writing. But I saw the boy from my last poem today, and I didn't say anything, just listened to him play the guitar. He is very good.

Dave and I are engaged now, and we are planning on June 25th for the wedding. We went to a bridal show at the fairgrounds a few days ago, and we entered every contest they had. So far I have won some cosmetics, we won a fifty dollar gift certificate towards a limo, and a fifty dollar gift certificate from Mr. Formal (which we aren't going to use, since we are going with Men's Wearhouse for tuxes), and a three day, two night trip from Vacations International. We have to go to Vancouver Friday and pick up our prize, which includes airfare, hotel, and meals. We get to pick from three different locations, and we are thinking about San Fransisco. We can use it anytime within this year. Yay for that!!! So the fourteen dollars we spent on admission has gone a long way!!! I am pretty excited about that. And just in case I forget to send you an invite to the wedding, Lacey, you are definitely invited!!

And that is that. I will post again if I come up with something worth saying. :)

My Dark Angel

2004-12-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

The lights dimmed
bringing out his steel eyes.
His long onyx hair fell
covering his face as he played.
If ever I wanted someone,
it was him.
But not for who he was,
what he stood for.
A brooding musician,
an artist of sorts.
The mysterious vampirical poet,
measuring his worth by
how many he could make cry.
With a guitar, and a face like that,
there are so many options.

First Time

2004-12-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

In the back seat
Our bodies
Wrecking havok on our emotions
We're scared
So we move fast.
Ripping each other's clothes off
frantically looking out the windows
so we don't get caught.
His hands are all over me, and
all I can do is hold on to his neck.
Tears run down my face
as I realize, I'm not dreaming!
And I don't want him to stop.
My hand moves down from his neck
to find that he is unlatching his belt.
What's going on?
I thought we were gonna wait!
I don't have a ring yet!
But his warm skin near mine
makes me reconsider.
And reconsider. And reconsider.

I slowly pull away,
resting my hand against his chest.
We stop to look at each other.
He kisses my forehead.
I hand him a trojan
and look away.
When we're done,
we go for a walk in the rain.

It isn't me.

2004-11-24T23:40:00.000-08:00

I must be honest,
I find myself lulled
to a pretentious stare.
Watching my eyes reflected back at me
from the inside of my dark glasses.
One of you, I've never been.
I fell out of that category
when the black sky crumbled over my head,
when I landed myself in a hospital,
when I became un-beautiful.
And then I realize,
I am me, myself I have always been.
And you can tell me as often as you like
that I have changed - because
I know it isn't true.
You never loved me.

I didn't do it

2004-11-17T23:37:00.000-08:00

I didn't cut. I haven't. I am doing better now. I wanted to, I wanted to enjoy it. But I didn't. And I am glad. I moved in with my parents, and that is working out pretty well. I have a little more space and privacy than in a dorm, plus it is cheaper and I can help my folks out. It is bed time now, I am zonked.

ENOLA

2004-11-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

I want to drag that blade across my skin. I have done so well. But all I want right now is to cut. I am not really sad or angry. I feel isolated. I can't do it. I am sorry.

Why does the sun go on shining?

2004-11-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

Here I am again. I think that I am flailing, falling and failing. I feel like I write to an eyeless world. No one reads me. I scream for some plea of sanity, even if it is left over from last year's vacation. I walk around, and people seem like trees, bending and blowing wherever the wind goes. They don't see me. They may just as well be trees or rocks. People, they mind their own business. They worry about themselves. As do I. That is just the way things work sometimes. And I strive, imploring for some sign that humanity has not completely failed. But I am just trying to survive myself. I can't find my own reason for existing, let alone anyone else's.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world?

Great Expectations

2004-10-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

Things are weird in my head about Dave. He wants me to be this perfect Christian girl, and I am not. I really love him, but I wonder whether love will get us through when it comes to real commitment. I want him to accept me as I am, and recognize that I am trying. But am I expecting too much from him? Am I in the same way not accepting him as he is? I want my independence and freedom. I want to be able to do whatever I want without having to live up to Dave's expectations. I only need to live up to my own. So where does God come in? Where do His expectations clash with my own? I know all the "Christian" ways of thinking, and doing, and being, but how much of that is imposed by the Christian society, and how much of that is God's true will? I don't know where to begin. What's worse, I really don't know where to end. Do I continue this relationship with Dave, hoping he will come to accept my behavior? I do not want to change for him. If I change, it will be for my own reasons. I can't feel obligated to meet the criterion imposed by other people, because sooner or later, other people's goals and ambitions will run aground. I can't change from the outside in. It has to be from the inside out. And that must start with a desire on my part to change in the first place. A desire that I do not have. Soooooo... I do not know what to do with my life right now. And I don't want my decisions to hurt anyone, especially not Dave, so I must be certain before I move. We shall see.

My Kid

2004-10-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

I am kinda stuck. I haven't really been able to write very much. Things are busy and I have homework and stuff to do. And even though I try, when things are going fine, I have no pathetic inspiration. For this reason, I have gone off the edge. I am writing letters to a "kid," a boy, who is kinda in my head. Not in a romantic way at all. AT ALL! And, no, it is not Sam. This is a real kid. I don't know what the deal is, but I really worry about him. I think it is partially because I know he hurts himself sometimes too. He seems to be pretty popular, but he told me one time, that the number of people you know doesn't really come to anything when you are hurting. He is 18, and not really my kid, of course, but I have kinda adopted him. And he does have a name, but I don't use it. :)

no title

2004-10-13T01:07:00.000-07:00

Well, life here is boring at best. I am not making friends. I am not doing my schoolwork. It is pretty hard to get back into the swing of school. I never want to do anything but sleep. And unfortunately, my relationship with Dave is kinda weird right now too. He doesn't know it though. I don't really know what to do. I wish I had people to talk to, do homework with, whatever. I just kind of meander around campus by myself, unless Dave is around, in which case I meander around campus with him, and try to keep my temper under control. Yeah, well, shit happens, and then you step in it and track it all over the house, and spend the rest of the day cleaning it up.

being social

2004-09-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

I sit in the back
no one sees me.
I smoke another cig,
and the effort drains me.
not sleepy.
just tired.
twinkle lights
around the commons
distort my view.
And my left-hand clumsiness
matches my right-side dizziness
I can't find anyone to talk to.
No one knows my name.
And the cost of being social
is way too damn much.

I feel like shit.

2004-09-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

"Crazy isnt being broken, or hiding a dark secret, it's you or me... amplified..."
-The Tail End of Girl Interrupted

I feel like shit. I think I am myself amplified. My roommates are gone tonight. What I want to do and what is good for me... yeah, well, I don't know.

Hopefully the next time you see me I will be intact.

Peace.

Last day...

2004-09-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

This is my last day in my apartment. Off to school it is. I told Amanda that I have been smoking, and she found it very comical. Well, I guess because I am moving out and she doesn't have to smell it. I don't smoke in the house though, so it doesn't make a huge difference. I have so much to clean up and pack. I have been mostly sleeping today, and so I have not made all that much progress on my room. I think I am going to pack everything up, and then just stack my furniture up so Amanda has a little more space. She is looking forward to having her closet back. I have a dresser in the closet that takes up a lot of space.

So, I am off... I will see y'all later!!!

Getting away

2004-09-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

I can't get away from anything. I have no idea what the hell is going on inside my head. I sat in the bar section of Shari's this morning, not drinking, but chain smoking. I had some french toast, and blamed my bad habit on the fact that there was no food in our house. I walk around town or ride the bus writing and slashing myself up and smoking. Not especially healthy. I don't know what else to do. I am so friggin dissociated all the time, I don't know any other way to keep from completely losing it. But, I am moving day after tomorrow, and I need to pack, so maybe I will be busy enough for a while that I won't get stuck in that routine. I guess moving in a sense is a way to get away. I will be around new people that do not have particular expectations of me. This can be good, but it can also be bad. LOL :) Mel, I won't drink. I will be careful.

I guess I kinda determined yesterday, through a conversation with someone, that I am not reeeally a virgin. It's up in the air I guess. I have done everything shy of actually having sex. So I don't know how that qualifies. Anyway, I suppose that means I am not very pure. Which kinda upsets me, but I knew what I had done before, I only just now decided that it was REALLY bad of me!

Eh, oh well. Too late for now. I guess I just have to start over and be good from now on. :)

Bad Habits

2004-09-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

As it turns out, I have picked up yet another bad habit. My first clue that it was not a good idea was the fact that I have to hide it fr0m everyone I know. LOL. But that is okay. I am to the point where I don't care all that much what other people think, the only one I am really worried about is Dave. I know he would disapprove severely. So I am not sure what to do about that one. I love him, and I don't want to upset him, but at the same time, I am not going to let my love for him determine everything I do. I have already let myself be swept up in the whole "I want to be engaged" thing, and it really sucks because it prevents us from having any fun in the relationship we have now. So I am trying really hard to just calm down about it and not be freaking out all the time about whether he has a ring for me. Yeah, well, I am trying. So this other habit, well, that would definitely impair his desire to propose to me. We shall see.

I am really irritated at myself. Melissa was going to take me to Stinky Bagels today, and I went back to sleep. I really wanted to go, I was just being stupid. And I am moving in three days, so I won't have any other chance to go. :P Yuk. Oh, well, I will have to find some other dark poetry lovers at WOU. I can't wait to move out. Well, it isn't the out part that is as exciting as the in part. I am headed back into a dorm!!! We will see how that works out. Back to cafeteria food and coin op. laundry. Plastering my walls with posters and taking them down in three months because WOU moves you to a different room each quarter. That really sucks, because I do not care for moving. And this will be moving number five this year. YAY!!!

Well, for bad habits and new roomates, we shall see how the next few weeks go. Toodle-oo.

rescueme

2004-09-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

i took 40 pills
and I tried to cry away
my misery and overdose
i spent my evening
in the emergency room
and choked down charcoal
to remedy my stupidity
like the girl who lost hope
and took only 30 pills
yet died alone in her apartment
she didn't mean to die
she just wanted to be rescued
from the voices in her head
i am rescued from them
one day at a time--
and then it is over
i have lost the war--
only to begin it again next week

Odd

2004-09-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

Does it strike you odd
That I call myself my own?
I don't belong to anyone but me.

Does it strike you odd
that I want to worship the moon
and the sun and my own body?

Does it strike you odd
that when yellow puss runs from a wound I gave myself,
that I lick it up with earnest?

Does it strike you odd
that my usual drink at the coffee house
involves your blood and my power?

Does it strike you odd
that when I count the bricks on the wall
I always come up one short,
and my wall crumbles because of it.

Does it strike you odd
that my favorite color is black
and I like to wear something over my head?

Does it strike you odd
that I weep alone at night
wanting only for your arms around my waist?

Does it strike you odd?
Does it strike you odd?
Does it strike you...

Denied

2004-09-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

Don't deny me the right
to do what I want with myself
If I want heroin, who are you?
If I want sex, who are you?
If I want to be alone,
who are you to deny me?
You can't keep me locked in a chastity belt.
What the fuck are you doing
with MY key in YOUR hands?

A Night in Hell

2004-09-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

Nothing in my wallet but moths
Nothing in my stomach but bile

Stuck under a bridge
where the moon doesn't shine

Whistling the tune to "Happy Days"
because I forgot the words.

Faking a smile
Lacking the confidence to do more

I kept up my part of the deal
Now it's your turn to spend a night in hell.

Crazy in love...

2004-08-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

I was "unofficial" with this boy named Jeremy most of the way through high school. I lost track of him. Then I dated a couple other people, and when I was 19, and home for the summer, we kinda hooked up again. He was on leave from the Navy. We spent most of the summer making out in his grandparents camp trailer. I went back to school the next year, and we stayed in touch, but nothing too serious. I was always under the impression that we would end up married at some point (whether that would last was another story). I came home for Christmas, and so did Jeremy. He told me he was going to bring home a friend of his, who was married. He brought home some girl named Emily, who was cheating on her husband with Jeremy. He didn't tell me he was with someone else. When I saw him, he said he didn't know how to tell me. I cried, and he said he was sorry, but he was "Crazy in love" with Emily. I told him she was a bitch and he should go fuck himself, it might be more entertaining. I left. He went back to Cali, where he was stationed. I was sick that year, and was in and out of hospitals. Jeremy called me the next Christmas. He was dating some chick named Renee, who had two kids. I did the nod-and-smile thing, as much as you can over the phone. Told him about Dave (my current boyfriend), and he said he was happy for me. I heard the other day that he just had a baby with yet someone else.

It makes me wonder what I did wrong. What I did to deserve this, why he left me for someone else. He took me to my first school dance. He was my first kiss. I got caught sneaking out of the house to see him. I almost ran away with him. He asked me to, and I was all ready to go, and chickened out halfway through my bedroom window. Yet at the same time, I was the one he cried to about Sylvia, and Sarah, and Emily, and Renee, and everyone else. It didn't occur to me, that maybe if he was talking about these girls all the time, perhaps they meant something to him. Or even that it was multiple girls at once. But just maybe, I was the only one he really loved. I asked him once if he was in love with me, and he said yes. He said that you can love many people at one time, but you can only be in love with one person at a time. And I was the one. For the moment.

Eh, oh well.

2004-08-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I gave normal clothing its fair turn. But I found myself so pissed off when I looked in the mirror. It just made me angry to see myself dressing like the rest of the planet, people I often felt contempt for. So I am back to my old clothes. And life is happier that way.

buh-bye

2004-07-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

Can't write anything... I have been stuck for months now. Well, I am headed back to PC, to help my parents move. That is my excuse, but really I am just homesick. It is stupid, but there isn't much I can do about it, except go home. So that is what I am doing. :)

Surviving

2004-07-30T20:39:00.000-07:00

Trying so hard. It seems to be working for the moment being... trying not to cut. I want to, but I am going to do my best. Putting it out of my mind. Damn, that is hard. Just don't think about it... Home alone, that doesn't help. Oh, well, I will live.

Figuring it all out...

2004-07-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

Life is hell lately. I am alone the majority of the day, and so I spend my day wandering around downtown. I wish there was some way I could figure out what is going on in my head. One minute I am fine, the next I feel like shit. Keeping from hurting myself is barely working. I cut my leg yesterday, but that is the most I have done in about a month. I was kind of proud of myself, but then when I saw my leg, it all went to pot, and I wanted the razor even more. Don't know what to do...

Comments...

2004-07-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. Still trying to figure out how to make the damn comments work. I have the settings set so you can have comments, but I think this template doesn't allow it. Rats, I really liked that one. Death seemed fitting for the purpose of this blog.

I am going home for the week...

Venting...

2004-06-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I just made this for the sole purpose of venting and cursing. If you don't like my language, leave. Life is rough, and if I can swear instead of hurting myself, it is a little less rough.